Peaceability-Part 2

In my last post I started a topic from Richard and Linda Eyre's column in the Deseret News supplement, Mormon Times. They define Peaceability further as 'Essentially the opposite of anger, losing one's temper, impatience and irritation.'

There are a lot of ways to be un-peacable, such as the things described in this quote. I would add also, sulking and holding a grudge, put-downs, criticism, and what I've heard called 'stirring the pot' where someone is doing things to get other folks upset about a third person, or to get someone else upset...'Mommy he's LOOKING at me!'

This doesn't mean we have to eliminate negative emotions and go around intoning a mantra with an invisible halo floating over our heads. We will still have negative emotions, but being peacable will mean that we will control those negative emotions and keep them from hurting another person.

How can we accomplish this? First we need to decide that a peaceful, calm atmosphere in our homes is something we value enough to make a priority. That atmosphere won't happen without our committment and effort.  Children feel more secure in a calm atmosphere. A calm home is one that is not puctuated with angry and irritated outbursts. Valuing peace and the control of temper helps us create a home atmosphere of calmness. The foundation of this is love. We love our family (yes, I know, there are times when we could cheerfully pitch those loved ones out the door and lock it, at least for awhile..but underneath we do still love the aggravating little critters-or big ones, if we include our spouse!)

If love is the foundation, understanding is the key (go ahead, unlock the door and let them back in..) You are less likely to lose your temper when you are trying to understand. It makes a difference if we stop to try to find out why someone is causing a problem before we break out into temper mode.

 For example, I once suspected one of my children had stolen some money from a sibling. The money even had a mark on it that his brother recognized. He steadfastly denied doing it and insisted a kid on the bus (whose name he couldn't remember) had given him the five dollar bill. Knowing how much he loved shopping for new toys, I suspected the temptation had been too much for him, so I started talking about how hard it is not to have enough money to buy things with and how we don't like to admit doing something wrong and the like. As I talked and questioned him gently, saying things like, "I can see how you might wish you had more money", he said, "Well, I 90% remember getting it from my friend and I 10% remember taking it from my brother..." He tested my reaction with these statements, and as I continued to express understanding of being tempted to take things and then lie about it, his percentages changed 10 percent at a time until he got to 90% remembering taking it. We then talked about ways he could get money for things he wanted to buy without taking it and what he needed to do to make things right-returning the money with an apology. One nice thing, his math skills were really solid!

This was so much more peacable than the inquisitions and punishments I used at other times when the children wouldn't admit to wrongdoing. A side note to that is that children who feel secure and understood are less likely to lie about wrongdoing.

This applies to all kinds of situations. Be curious before dealing with or reacting to a problem.
Like:
Why did she come home so cranky from school today? (Could something have happened today?)
Why does he always take his shoes off?  (Are they too small or uncomfortable in some way?)
Why is she cranky and not eating anything at dinner? (Could be she's sick)

Usually we will ask the person why, but many times children don't know why and we have to do detective work to figure out the causes and possible solutions for behaviors. One of my daugthers discovered her son was having difficulties with many things because of a sensory integration issue. She was able to be more patient when she knew why he was contrary about so many things. He was suffering discomforts that weren't obvious and that he didn't have the language to express.

The Eyres tell us that 'Calmness and Peacability are values because they help others as well as ourselves to feel better and to function better."  They add that they are also contagious qualities. The more we are able to be calm and peaceful, even under stress, the  more they are 'caught' by others around us, especially our children!

Teaching Children Values-Peaceability Part One

I want to do a series of posts discussing the column Linda and Richard Eyre write for the Deseret News Mormon Times section. They are doing a series on teaching values to children featuring a different value every month. I thought it would be worthwhile to share highlights of these articles with some commentary from my own thoughts and experience. I would love for any readers to add discussion and thoughts of their own.

They say, "These 12 values will be universal values that all parents everywhere accept and wish to teach to their children. They are values that unite us as families, yet they are anything but easy to teach to our children.

Those of us, (me included) who had the chance to participate in a year of the Eyre's Joy School program for parent run home preschool programs, know that their program is based on monthly themes teaching values, Joy being one of them. They have a lot of experience with this, including with their own large family.

The material they share is drawn from their number one New York Times best-selling book, "Teaching Your Children Values.  For online content from the Eyers on this series go to www.valuesparenting.com and click on 'Value of the month'.

The Value they started with in September was Peaceability. They define Peaceability in one word: 'Calmness'. "It is peacefulness, serenity and the tendency to try to accommodate rather than argue. Peacability is the understanding that differences are seldom resolved through conflict and that meanness in others is an indication of their problem or insecurity and thus their need for your understanding. It is the ability to understand how others feel rather than simply reacting to them.'

I love this definition. If we can raise peaceable children into peaceable adults, that is a contribution to their happiness and a positive impact on those who associate with them in any way.

As just a personal disclaimer to this description I want to say that while it is worthwhile to be peaceable in our interactions at all times, when we are being mistreated being peaceable should not mean that we are obligated to allow ourselves to continue to be mistreated. There are peaceable ways to set and enforce boundaries with any kind of abuse. We might understand the abuser's feelings, but that does not mean we have to allow ourselves to be harmed in any way. In reality, those with a controlling, abusive nature act out of their thoughts and values, not their feelings. That is one reason that teaching Peaceability as a value is so important. Anyone who really values Peaceability will not be abusive towards others.

For the next post, Ways of being 'un-peaceable', and some benefits of teaching and modeling Peaceability