July 8th 2014 Journal entry

 I've been mulling over an experience I had two Sundays ago. It was fifth Sunday and that means all adults meet together for second hour for some special presentation on a topic of relevance of some sort. I didn't remember what the topic was but I remembered thinking when it was announced that I wouldn't want to stay for it. Since I didn't remember I did the good girl thing and went in to sit on the last row, thinking I would leave if it was a parenting type subject. It turned out to be about attending the temple which is relevant to me and has been such a focus lately in all church venues such as conference, the Liahona magazine and local talks. 

That was relevant, so I thought I should stay, but I found myself unusually restless and fidgety. I couldn't sit still and kept fiddling with my purse and phone and shifting around. half way through or a little more I decided I should focus on holding still, so the rest of the time I didn't let myself fidget but stayed completely frozen, immobile. 

Then I went home and had something to eat and got ready to go to Sheree's at 3:30. Church is over at two pm, so there isn't a lot of time. As I got my purse, etc and headed out, I started itching on my right bicep, then my right forearm, my right wrist, and lower left leg on the left side. I was also itching at the back of my neck where I've been having rash the last couple of months. The itching was intense and felt like Lichen Planus rash itching. It subsided after awhile, but over the nexe few days several spots stayed very itchy and sprouted rash bumps. The back of my neck was painful and scratched. By the end of the week, every itchy spot had a rash bump with a tiny scab in the center and there was one more that popped up on the back of my left hand. 

The only stimulus I can target for this was the tension and stress I felt sitting in that 5th Sunday second hour meeting. It was similar to the rash bump popping up when I sat with Harry in the ER several years ago. After several hours an itchy bump popped up on my right arm that was a LP rash bump. 

I can't really say that what I got from the meeting was worth the stress and rash and itching all week. It is hard for me to walk away from second hour because I feel like that is letting down my determination to stay active consistently and I don't want to get comfortable with skipping out of meetings and maybe missing something of worth. What I'm wrestling with is how I will handle it if I am experiencing that level of stress in a meeting in the future. My feeling is that it would be better for me to leave and de-stress than stay and struggle and break out in stress rash. I did leave Relief Society that one time when I developed a panic attack. I think and hope that God would understand my desire to do what I should and the limitations I sometimes have for being fully active every single meeting. I already choose not to attend anything much that is social and am comfortable with that, but meetings are a different catagory of activity. So far I haven't had this happen to that degree in Sacrament meeting and I would be more determined to stay for that anyway. 

Enduring to the end doesn't maybe have to include enduring stress to the point of triggering autoimmune rash?

11-3-16 journal

November 3rd 2016 permanent draft

It's been a week since my request for Harry to return a file to me when he was done and not leave it in the truck resulted in a blow up from him about me always and lately more and more frequently 'ragging on' him. I was at a hormonal low and was depressed and emotional that day and it hit me hard. A week later I am more depressed than ever. As I go around the house trying to get things done it is like walking through neck deep invisible water. Every movement is a slow and difficult labor. I realized yesterday that I will probably have to get back on anti-depressants, maybe Prozac, as that worked so well for me before. I hate having to do that. I'm trying to keep off daily medications with their side effects. But I know that when my brain chemistry gets off from the daily struggle with my situation, that it can help me handle the daily struggle better.

I have tried hard all week to stick to my resolve to give way to his need for me to only agree with him and never ask anything of him. I am trying to have a more reliable peace and safety in my life, but the cost is very high emotionally. Really I'm between a big immovable rock and a really hard intractable place here. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I was thinking this morning before I got up about what is normal for him emotionally and with his coping skills and so on and trying to liken it to comparable states in others.

1. There is the abusive man syndrome that has little ability to empathize and assumes his partner is an extension or kind of clone of him, so when she has her own preferences and opinions it is a violation of expectations.
2. Then there is the reaction to any kind of frustration or obstacle. Last night we were watching TV. (I was actually reading). Suddenly he burst out in a loud, angry voice, 'What the HELL is going on here!'. It turns out that his favorite program, which was listed on the program guide was not playing, another program was playing in its place. He kept clicking on it in the guide and the other program kept starting from the DVR. Any frustration of what he wants or expects, any obstacle to what he wants is liable to trigger that kind of loud, angry outburst. I realized this morning that his ability to tolerate frustration or not getting what he wants is usually at the emotional level of a pre-verbal toddler. (Of course he is not pre-verbal, so instead of inarticulate screams of rage and primitive language, like, 'NO!, MINE! ME DO IT!' he comes out with 'What the hell is the matter here!' and so on. Like a toddler he can only see what it is he wants or wants to do and blows up if anything keeps him from it.

3. The blow ups related to things I ask of him and things related to communication either seem like a teenager's resentment and hyper sensitivity, or make me wonder how much of his emotional functioning is like his mom. I didn't know her well and never spent much time with her, but what little I did see included a kind of quick emotional reaction style, she could be sunny and warm and loving and quickly go to anger and a tirade over whatever she wasn't happy about that included saying things that were very callous and hurtful to those around her.

That leaves me with few alternatives for making any progress in a relationship with him that I could hope will ever improve enough for me to feel emotionally safe and cared for. I realize he is doing the best he can and incapable of improving, but I end up feeling really trapped in having to live with him and having him around all the time makes it so much worse.

There are many reasons I can't consider an actual separation. I won't enumerate them here, but that option is not on the table for me.

I know that when I adhere to my practice of always agreeing with him and living with things as he wants them to be he is generally cheerful and chatty, like a toddler when nothing frustrates is sunny and busy and happy. I just am paying such a price for my constant silence and acquiescence. When I go to the temple I don't feel this oppressive depression and anxiety, and usually when I'm out running errands and exercising I don't either. I do feel it when I go to church and go to see Sheree, I think because I feel the need for careful interactions in those situations too. That's what tells me it is more situational than hormonal or of a decrease in light as the days shorten and are filled with clouds. Exercise helps, so these days when I don't get hard exercise keep me more depressed and anxious also.

This morning he was making himself oatmeal and suddenly said, (Not angrily, but firmly) 'You moved the raisins!' Now, I know I didn't move them, that they are where they usually have been not just for months, but many, many years, but I also knew he couldn't see them because the package was getting empty and taking up less space and there was something in front of it. I asked where he was looking for them and it turned out he was looking on the next shelf down, the lowest shelf,  where I kept them for a couple of weeks while I was making room for them on their usual shelf above that one. It was typical that he would immediately accuse me of moving them when he couldn't see them. It is less typical that he didn't assume they were in the place they have been for years but remembered only the place they were temporarily. That was likely a convenient 'forgetting' as it turns out because when I showed him where they were, (without comment), he then asked me if they could be kept on the lower shelf because it was more convenient for him when he wants them.  I don't want to keep them on the lower shelf, because that is where I have small containers for storing food, and the upper shelf is for food and has a space just right for the big Costco raisin bag. It will be in the way for getting out the food containers, I often need to shuffle and shift them around to get at the one I want. But, I said, 'Sure, that will be fine.' so now raisins will always have to be in that spot and I have to let go of that. Of course the issue is not just that I don't get to have my way about where the raisins are stored, it is that I know if I try tell him why I don't want them there, or point out that getting them from the middle shelf couldn't possibly be less convenient than the bottom one, or say that no, I don't want them kept there, or point out that I didn't move them and that they have always been kept on the middle shelf but for one brief time, that I would likely get another blow up and an accusation that I am 'ragging on' him. It is the thought of never having a say or a preference that opposes his that is so depressing. I have felt myself pressured to be silent and voiceless so many years.

10/6/22 Journal

 Journal Entry draft 10/6/2022

It's been 6 years since I wrote the last journal draft. I haven't been keeping a journal anywhere else for the reasons I expressed in my 2016 entry. It's interesting to see how much has changed since those entries were written. And how much is still the same. 

One big change in my understanding has been realizing that both Harry and I are neuro-Atypical, which explains so much. Most of what I was attributing to his upbringing is actually classic High Functioning Asperger's Syndrome,   I've known about this for about two years now and it has helped a lot to know these things are neurological. I didn't learn anything new about how he was, I already had that pretty well figured out, but now I know the why and it helps me be more patient with him and with the limitations he has in having social and personal relationships, and also explains the relentless obsessions with projects and things to be researched and acquired in endless amounts until the focus changes to something else.